Seems a strange comment perhaps, given the precarious nature and complete lack of financial security, and it may not be the same experience for others, but whichever way I looked I felt so fortunate for all the life lessons in resilience I’d learned in this business they call show.
At the end of June this year, my husband David went to see his GP because he was feeling bloated in his stomach quite frequently. He had cut out the frothy coffees and eaten smaller meals for a while but it had got to the point of restricting his breathing whilst playing the trumpet (he’s a pro-level serious hobbyist) and he conceded a six-pack that firm was probably wishful thinking. The GP diagnosed him with a severely enlarged spleen, they would need to do some tests, but he should be aware that it could possibly be a form of blood cancer. He returned home to tell me and, as we hugged, I felt a slight shake in my arms for a second. It was the only time he even came close to being upset, “Well, let’s wait and see what the test results say first”, I said. But he knew.
1. Being Spontaneous In Reaction
“Acting is reacting” is the expression describing how we as actors try to avoid “doing” and strive to merely react to the other characters and situation in the scene. The art of giving a spontaneous response rather than a planned delivery of a line.
The results of Dave’s first blood test flagged up, amongst other things, critically low iron levels. He asked the GP whether he could still run in the 10K at the weekend and was given the ominous answer of “Keep doing all the things you enjoy doing just don’t over exert yourself”. He asked me if I would be too worried about him running it and, without really thinking, I just said “I’ll run it with you”. I hadn’t been running for well over a year but I knew he’d be disappointed not to take part after training and, at the back of my mind, maybe it would be his last run for a long time. We’d never run side by side before, he’s naturally quicker than me, but it would provide a logical reason to friends for his unusually slow pace and I could keep a close eye on him. It was a stunning day and despite being slightly alarmed at the extra effort Dave seemed to need, we both really enjoyed the run in a respectable 1hr 3mins. Crossing the finish line in the Olympic Stadium was pretty special, hand-in-hand for the last 100 metres. It seemed the right thing to do for what lay ahead of us.
2. Staying Present
An actor aims to be in-the-moment and practises active listening: engaging as if you were hearing those lines for the first time. In our day to day lives it’s also important to stay present, not to wallow in former glory days or regret past mistakes, but use the lessons learned to inform your present actions. Equally, worrying about the future isn’t beneficial, it may never happen and you can only control the controllable, the here and now, so that you’re ready when an opportunity presents itself.
As a result of the initial blood test, Dave’s appointment with the Haematology Consultant was brought forward. I received a lot of these phone calls on the house phone as they often couldn’t reach him on his mobile with poor phone reception at his work. They didn’t discuss specific medical details with me of course, but I could tell by the sense of urgency and the fact that she was calling from the “Haematology & Oncology Department”, that it was likely to be a cancer diagnosis. It’s the only day I sobbed, allowing myself those 20 minutes to mourn the loss of our seemingly carefree lives (aged 36 and 45 and together 20 years) before carrying on with my day, including a much anticipated trip to see a friend playing the lead in a West End show. I’m not sure if that friend or the friend accompanying me will ever fully appreciate just how much I needed that experience that night: the sheer escapism of the show and pride in seeing him fulfil his dream and to celebrate afterwards allowed me to be in-the-moment and really kept me going.
A few days later, Dave and I went to the hospital for his consultant appointment. I remember there was a TV ad a few years ago based on the idea that once you hear the words “I’m afraid it’s cancer”, everything beyond that becomes a blur, so I was determined to stay strong and actively listen to what he had to say rather than get emotional. This really helped. By properly listening, we could engage in asking the most important questions, not asking him to make predictions before all the tests had been completed but about what we could do here and now, in the present, controlling the controllables. For Dave, his immune system was critically low, so working from home to avoid bugs on public transport, withdrawing from a trip abroad and steering clear of trumpets that would harbour bacteria were the precautionary changes. His energy levels were also now very low and he’d lost a lot of weight quite quickly so, for me, I could look after his diet, trying to feed him 5 meals a day of nourishing food focussing on high fat and high calorie but low sugar with plenty of fresh vegetables.
3. Carrying on with Life through the Limbo
Waiting for that phone call. Whether you’re just waiting to hear the result of a final audition, willing your commercial “heavy pencil” to become a pen or waiting for confirmation that your show is transferring to the West End, it feels like we actors spend a lot of time living in limbo. Life could change a lot from the result of that call, but you may be waiting for an indeterminate amount of time and, in many instances, it may never come at all (and you find out via social media or press release!) It takes years to learn to comfortably live with this but the aim is to carry on with daily life regardless. Make plans anyway, continue applying yourself and just keep on keeping on.
There were several tests that Dave would need to undergo to determine which type of blood cancer he was carrying (we’ve since learned there are 137 different types!) He had a bone marrow biopsy that day with the consultant and would be sent for a PET scan (the one where they make you radioactive) and a lymph node biopsy. Fortunately, he didn’t need the latter in the end (which involves a large needle going very near the jugular vein) but the others were by no means an easy ride as they “strongly suggested” I leave the room for the bone marrow. Then came the wait: 12 days of limbo. We were advised not to tell family and friends what was going on until the diagnosis because it would mean dealing with so many unanswerable questions so we kept ourselves busy. Dave continued to work from home and I pounced on any creative projects, a few singing gigs and a couple of recordings to give me some musical therapy in between all the vegetable chopping! There were a handful of people I did have to tell, mainly just work related folk, but I received such great support that it was a huge burden lifted and I should add at this point, Dave’s attitude and response to the situation was nothing short of inspirational. He was the reason I got out of bed on those most difficult limbo days.
4. Being Resourceful in Earning a Living
It’s the holy grail for any actor, finding a flexible “between job job” that earns enough to pay London-living bills, allows flexibility for auditions or last minute filming and doesn’t make you hate yourself or question your life choices on a daily basis. It often takes many years to find, and some never really do but being self-employed forces you to be resourceful.
Built up over the years, I have a combination of several different freelance revenue streams to make a living between acting jobs and I was so grateful to be able to adjust my work pattern to spend time looking after Dave during the day and then work evenings/nights when he would be mostly resting, without taking too much of a financial hit. I was, of course, very disappointed to have to turn down 2 lovely theatre jobs that would’ve earned more but they also meant being away from home. It’s probably the only time I’ve ever been offered 2 acting jobs in 2 days, on the exact day my husband was told he had cancer and the day after. The sheer poetry of bitter irony in this actually made me smile.
5. Finding the Positives in Disappointment
This is really the only way to sustain a career as an actor. You didn’t get the job but you know you did a great audition for that Casting Director you met for the first time. You didn’t do a great audition but not getting the job means you won’t miss your best friend’s wedding. For our own sanity, we always try to look for the positives in a disappointing outcome.
The day before the follow up appointment to find out the test results Dave decided he would tell our families that he had cancer. It was a Sunday so he guessed they might be at home to support one another and they would now only have a day to wait before we could give some answers to their inevitable questions. I returned from working that morning to find he’d called everyone, including my family, which I thought he would’ve expected me to do. His strength astonished me again as he dealt with some very emotional reactions at the shock of the news. We both encouraged them all to think positively. The way I saw it, Dave was extremely fit and otherwise healthy so in great shape to fight whatever it may be, we live in London near some of the best hospitals in the world and already had built great confidence in the NHS staff who were looking after his case. The next day we were very fortunate to find more positives with a diagnosis of Hairy Cell Leukaemia. Quite a rare form but considered very treatable, there is a chemotherapy drug with a 70% success rate first time. We actually celebrated!
6. Looking After the Instrument - Our Bodies
Actors know that their instrument is their body and it needs to be cared for, not merely for appearance’s sake, but to explore the fullest physical and vocal range and meet the demands of an 8-show week or 13 hour tech or shoot day. Regular exercise, taking classes and eating a balanced diet are par for the course and can help with our mental well-being too.
Dave’s chemo treatment didn’t go quite to plan when, on the 4th day, he had a temperature and had to be transferred to another hospital, in an ambulance, just to add to the drama! He had what is known as Neutropenic Sepsis, “a life threatening complication of anticancer treatment, the term is used to describe a significant inflammatory response to a presumed bacterial infection in a person with or without fever.” Good thing I resisted Googling it at the time! He needed some serious treatment including blood transfusions and IV antibiotics referred to by the nursing staff as being “like bleach”. He was kept in for 6 nights and it was a pretty stressful time seeing him so unwell but his spirits were always high and I had lots of supportive friends on the end of the phone and on Facebook. I was quite busy working late every night, prepping fresh smoothies and healthy snacks (and sterilising their containers) to bring in for him. He was getting very thin so I was still trying to get in his 5 meals a day and keeping him company for as long as possible during visiting hours. Friends did keep reminding me that I needed to look after myself too. I’d been to regular yoga classes for years and fortunately, I’d just got into the habit of daily home practice after finishing a tour in May with an injury. It was all about the physical recovery at first but as this situation unfolded it was as much about my mental health too. It kept me present, dealing with one day at a time and hearing that same voice guide me through every day was an enormous comfort. Yoga with Adriene on Youtube, I can’t recommend it highly enough!
7. Heightened Empathy
Actors spend much of their time trying to understand the human condition, seeking out stories and what makes the characters tick. As a result, they often have a heightened sense of empathy coupled with the fact that we usually form quite intense friendships in a very short space of time due to the nature of the work: living, sharing and creating together.
I was overwhelmed by the support from friends throughout this time and those willing to just listen when I needed to talk. I shouldn’t have been surprised of course, most of my friends are also actors and great empaths. I’ve suffered from severe anxiety on and off for several years, particularly badly on one theatre job, and it was these friends who were among the first to reach out. I was amazed at the time that we made such good friends when it felt like I had “no personality” but how brilliant that their instinct was to not judge the surface but try to understand. When we met for coffee while Dave was in hospital, I think they were all surprised to see me handling the situation so well, but it only helped us further understand the difference that good mental health can make.
To condense the story, Dave was home for a week before being struck with Sepsis again and developed Pneumonia. It was a rollercoaster of emotions with another week of daily visits as things chopped and changed pretty quickly. They stepped up precautions and by the 6th day I was supposed to wear a mask to visit him, a pretty daunting prospect, so we agreed I would Facetime instead. In the end, he called to say he was being discharged that day and off I went to collect him! His blood counts were recovering slowly but surely and we managed a trip to the Isle of Man for my Dad’s 70th only the week after this hospital stint.
Cut to this week with a follow-up consultant appointment and the prognosis looks good. All the key blood indicators are showing improvement and his immune system is nearly at the “lowest normal”. He’s back commuting to work, albeit a bit later than peak rush hour, doing some yoga, playing a plastic trumpet (so that it can be sterilised) and back playing head chef in the kitchen as I happily revert to my role as understudy! We won’t know whether he will be officially in remission until another bone marrow biopsy later in the year but things are looking bright. I certainly don’t have it all sussed, either as an actor or in life but thought it worth sharing a different perspective, turning some of the negatives of the business into positives. The upshot is, I’m grateful that my experience in this tough industry gave me strength when I needed it most and now I’m well and truly “back in the game”, ready for whatever is thrown at me! They think we actors are just liberal, luvvie snowflakes, but we know… oh, and if Holby City calls, I’ve done LOTS of observing… It’s all character building, right?
Dave's blog is here . Worth a look, he's pretty inspiring!
